Watch out for signs of abuse, say counsellors

Being informed about trauma is very important as so many women and children are traumatised by abuse, said counsellors at the Athlone library on Saturday.

The author of the book, Warrior Outside Chaos Within, Samantha Adams, from Athlone, ran a workshop at the Athlone library on Saturday December 3 on how to talk about and overcome trauma.

Ms Adams’s book is about the sexual abuse she endured from her father and other men from age 5 to 16 ("Athlone woman’s book tells of her abusive childhood," Athlone News, September 7).

Trauma counsellor Deidre Williams said it was important for victims of abuse to seek help because recovery was hard without support.

The warning signs of abuse were not always clear; religious and community leaders often discouraged women from speaking out about abuse; and earlier generations of women and men had taught their daughters to respect and honour their husbands to the point of not reporting abuse, she said.

“When you report it to a religious or community leader, they need to know how to handle it. How do we see beyond what a person is showing us? We need to be able to detect the warning signs of the victim and the abuser,” she said.

Sudden changes in appearance, dressing differently, avoiding gatherings and physical stress symptoms were some of the warning signs of abuse, she said, adding that she had started dressing differently to make herself look unattractive after being repeatedly molested from ages 5 to 10 and then raped by two friends at the age of 12.

“I became so untidy and wanted to look ugly. I avoided contact with family and friends. I was called miserable, but no one asked why I cried so much or was so miserable. No one bothered to dig deeper,” she said.

To cope with the abuse, she had started smoking cigarettes at the age of 9 and dagga at 10, she said.

She said signs in the abuser included sudden and drastic mood swings, jealous and controlling behaviour, acting macho, cruelty to animals and children, blaming others, and constantly checking on their partner.

She said she had told no one about the abuse she had suffered because she felt there was no one she could trust.

“I drank to push down what I was feeling. Victims need to document injuries and develop a safety plan with a safety network to get out,“ she said.

Friends and family could help by educating themselves and their families about abuse, she said.

Signs of abuse in children under 8 included eating disorders, bed wetting, sexual acting out, fear of sleeping alone, suicidal thoughts, extreme nervousness, and separation anxiety, she said.

“Other signs also include hyper-alertness, acting out, dressing differently, not wanting to change into gym clothes to not expose your body,” she said.

Parents needed to listen to their children, she said, adding: Their voice matters. Moms need to take action when their children say that, ‘Daddy is touching me.’ Their emotion will always come from a real place.“

She said women often stayed with the abuser because they felt they couldn’t make it on their own so it was important to have more places of refuge for women and children.

Zaironesa Karriem, from Bonteheuwel, who attended the talk, said parents should speak to their children about sexual abuse and violence.

“We don't feel comfortable to speak about it or to address it with our children because we learnt that from our ancestors. That needs to change,” she said.

Trauma counsellor and community leader Cecilia Less said women faced humiliation at the hands of their abusers but societal norms often prevented them from leaving.

“It is important to share stories and learn how to break free,” she said. “Never continue to stay the victim and don't always have the victim mentality. See the signs, be more vigilant.

“We have a tendency to say, ‘I’m staying for the child, I don't want us to be a broken family,’ but you are in a broken home,” she said.

She added that many men were abused by their wives but were told by police officers that they only helped women.